I need the trickle-down effect of the “elevated” frozen yogurt fad to happen faster

I don’t want to wait in line for an hour for farm-to-underwashed-Taylor-machine yogurt with toe-picked toppings from mysterious foreign European farms.

I want mass-produced mid-tier frozen yogurt chains with cream from cardboard boxes, and “small businesses” with horribly-crushed Oreos and Sysco sprinkles that look more like money laundering operations.

If we’re bringing back 2008’s best fad, I’d rather spend $12 on ridiculous by-the-pound nonsense. I will fill half of that goddamn cup with shitty generic whipped cream and top it with cherries until the preserve juice dyes it all red.

For now, you will NOT make me in that fucking line and endure an aggressively mid DJ playing the dance-music equivalent of elevator music.